Old Thoughts & Memories

So earlier today I stopped by my storage unit to clean things up. Also start clearing out old junk, so I’ll be able to move it later on next month.

I was doing okay till I opened a box that had a lot of my Dad’s things in it. It wasn’t so much the stuff that got to me. It was the smell… It smelled just like him. All those summers together, those random adventures we had driving from one end of California to the other. I thought I would be alright, but I found myself crying while holding his hat.. But then laughing, because within the hat was pictures of my father making goofy faces. That was my father…. Always trying to make people laugh or happy. In between this ride of emotions, found a old picture of me and him. Now if I remember correctly, this was taken in Santa Barbara California in the late 80s. Printers were becoming a big thing as well the beginnings of the digital photos.

If you look closely most of the picture is done in binary fashion. This has to be one of the coolest pictures I have of us. I thought it was lost so many years ago. But no! I found it! Cleaned it up and placed it in a nice heavy wooden frame.

I do miss you Dad. I guess I’m still trying to work through the fact your not around anymore. I keep finding myself trying to call you or message you. Specially with my youngest going into Boy Scouts. I thought you would really like that..

I just now realized I’m writing this like he would read this post.. Sorry, it happens from time to time. Grief is an odd thing.

A Strange Request… Grieving

A Strange Request… Grieving

So at some point in the beginning of this year 2017. Someone had sent me an email on my Facebook Page that I run for Nerdy Life of Mine.  In fact I haven’t really been keeping up on my FB Page this year, until recently this month to change a lot of information. Then I saw I had some messages. Thank Facebook for the notice… After reading this email, I felt horrible that it went so long with no…

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A Strange Request… Grieving

So at some point in the beginning of this year 2017. Someone had sent me an email on my Facebook Page that I run for Nerdy Life of Mine.  In fact I haven’t really been keeping up on my FB Page this year, until recently this month to change a lot of information. Then I saw I had some messages. Thank Facebook for the notice… After reading this email, I felt horrible that it went so long with no answer. This person was reaching out to me for any help I can provide on dealing with grief. As soon as I saw this I quickly wrote back in hopes of still helping.. I still haven’t heard anything back from them. I feel really bad about this and hope they don’t think I was ignoring them.

So while I wait on them to write back (don’t think it’ll happen), I thought I would write and share their story and also share a little more on what I went through, as well as what I still deal with. My Father had shockingly pasted away on Feb. 27, 2016 and I’ve been dealing with that ever since then.

https://nerdylifeofmine.com/2016/03/20/one-last-ride/

https://nerdylifeofmine.com/2016/03/12/step-by-step/

https://nerdylifeofmine.com/2016/03/14/sleep-yes-please/

https://nerdylifeofmine.com/tag/dad/

I think what makes it extra hard to get over, is that our birthdays are so close together (21 & 23). So there are so many reminders ever, not that I’m trying ignore them. It’s just hard to move at times. Now with this couple that was asking for help. They were the Grandparents taking care of their 15 year old Granddaughter. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to lose a love one so young. As a Father myself of a 10 & 8 year old, I don’t want to even think about losing any one of them. Personally I think that’s a nightmare in grief for any Parent or Grandparent to lose a child. Me losing my Father has been hard, Do to the fact it came so out of the blue and No one was ready for it… I wasn’t ready for it. But as a child you know in the back of mind, at some point you will lose your Parents or Grandparents. Hopefully to old age.. But this is just heartbreaking and having trouble giving an suggestions on how to deal. Here is the email they wrote me, I edited out any information for their privacy.

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This may be a strange request, but hoped to be able to make contact with Jason Roberts for support with loss and how he was able to go on after it. I live in ***** with my husband of 19 years. I grew up here and 17 months ago we lost our grand daughter who we were raising. She was 15 yr old and her death should have never happened. Maybe this is why I cannot seem to move on. I hope to find from others who have lost love ones, how they moved on. I came across your radio broadcast site by accident and with much interest. I am sincere in my request and just want to find some peace and not so lost anymore. It has made me unable to take care of things as I should and has put a strain on our future. I have been in counseling, tried many meds, all in hopes of getting a part of me back to where I was before our loss. Again, I know this is not a normal thing I am doing, but I read about your loss and how much it effected you like it has me. My husband does not know I have sent this and I understand if you choose to ignore me, but I am sincere in my hope of someone helping me, by the way that helped them. I am 54 years old and a kind soul who tries to help others when I can. I believe there are still good people among us and ones you can trust and who truly can understand your struggles and losses.
Thank you for your time and in reading my post to you. I feel it is worth a shot and there is no hurt by asking, right? Truly… greatful for any suggestions or ideas that could help me.

if nothing more than a good story to share with your friends later I guess

Sincerely, ****
(just a hometown family girl at heart)

1: Take it a day at a time..

No one expects you to be fine the next day or get over it in a week. Take all the time in the world work things out with yourself and love ones.

2: Try and focus on the good times and memories. Don’t let their death change those for you.

3: Things do get better in time. Altho the pain never really leaves, things do become easier.

4: Try talking with someone about it. Love one or a counselor.

This one I kinda failed at. I still really haven’t talk about everything about my Father. I didn’t know how to deal and bottled everything up. That caused a lot of problems in my personal life. It is important that you talk to someone or write it out and share. Like I have in the past and current. I’ve learned from my mistakes and the event of my Father’s passing has changed my life in so many, many ways. Life changing ways..

5: Keep something of theirs. Pictures are one thing, but what I’m talking about is like a necklace, bracelet, etc. Something that you can take with you. As weird as it sounds, it helps.

6: Comfort food & movie.. Haha yes comfort food. Now don’t go over board and eat your feelings away. Just find a favorite movie of yours and whatever comfort food and send a day doing that.

7: Friends and Family… Help each other in this hard time.

Now some people turn to religion to help them grief or what have you. Personally that didn’t work for me and I’m not the most religious. Plus I’ve also seen religion go the other direction and people blame God for everything and destroy everything in their lives. That’s not good for anyone. Not saying that happens all the time. But it does happen, specially with a child or someone so young.

I do hope this will help this couple, if they read this. Even help other people who are grieving, also here are some website that may help out a little.

Grieving the Death of a Child

https://healgrief.org/grieving-the-death-of-a-child/

Helping Yourself Heal When a Parent Dies

http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping4.html&site_id=2

One Last Ride

On February 27, 2016 my Father had passed away. On Friday the 19th he had a massive heart attack, that following Monday he would coronary artery bypass surgery. At first the Doctor told me that they would have to quadruple bypass, then after looking at things it went down to two… Monday the day of the surgery the Doctor informed that my Dad need to have a quintuple bypass.. Five… Five of his…

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One Last Ride

On February 27, 2016 my Father had passed away. On Friday the 19th he had a massive heart attack, that following Monday he would have coronary artery bypass surgery. At first the Doctor told me that they would have to quadruple bypass, then after looking at things it went down to two… Monday the day of the surgery the Doctor informed that my Dad need to have a quintuple bypass.. Five… Five of his arteries need to be replaced, bypass of more than four coronary arteries is uncommon. Rather worried that this point, The Doctor told me that the surgery went fine and is still out of it. Now please keep in mind I’m in Oregon at this point and my Father is in California. So I’m talking to the Doctor over the phone and getting updates that way.

Come Tuesday I was able to talk with him and get more information. Everything seemed to be going fine and my Dad was in a great mood (All tho I think it was mostly do to the drugs haha). I was able to tell him about meeting Shatner and replacing the lost autograph that my Dad gave me a few years back. Told him about the conversation I had with Shatner (I wrote about this in another post https://nerdylifeofmine.com/2016/02/22/a-small-conversation-with-william-shatner-bob-camp-at-wizard-world/). He was so beyond happy to hear about that. Over the next couple of days I would call in and see how is was doing. He told me that some of old childhood friends came in to see how he was doing. I was happy and shocked to hear about that. On Friday the 26th… I called in to see how my Dad was doing, he was in a  good mood and full of jokes. He had just finished doing his walk around the hospital floor and taking a breather. They wanted him to to try and use the bathroom, that’s where he joked about making camp in there because getting up and down was hard haha.

I had Lilly and Jackson (My Hobbits) with me at this time and they wanted to talk with him and see how he was doing. Because they were so worried about him before. I think they talked with him for almost 30-40 minutes haha, Lilly and my Dad were making to plans to see each other and Disneyland. Jackson and him were talking video games, movies and Jackson’s time at Comic Con.

… One second….. Having trouble writing right now…. *Let me say ahead of time I’m sorry for any misspellings or what have you. I’m trying to power through this and clear my head.*

After the kids said goodbye, I continued to talk with him. There we talked about him retiring and what kind of meds/diet he is going to be on. My Father was so happy, because the Doctor at this point told him that he was making great progress and gets to go home that Sunday! We made some plans for the summer and for us to come down and see him and he wanted to come up for Christmas again. He was in such a great mood, full of jokes. This would be the last time I would ever talk to my Dad………….. “Me: Love you, schmuck, Dad: Love you too, moron…”

February 27……..

Got up and ready for work as normal.. Started work at 8am and was there till about 9:30-10am and that’s when I saw Carly come into the back door of the shop. Rather odd I thought.. I had my hands full at this point and had to put everything down as she told me to come here.. She had a worried look on her face……

It was that point Carly told me that my Dad had passed away……….

Standing there in shock. Mind went blank. Just looking at her and not knowing what to say or do. Thinking that this might be a really bad joke. But I knew that wasn’t true. Carly’s face said it all. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to leave work and let my co-works know. I gave my Carly my phone so she can call our friend Shaun and let him know I wasn’t going to be there today and why. I walked back inside still holding together at this point, I told Zack (my co-worker) I was leaving. With a look on his face he asked why? I told him my Father just passed away. “Leave.. Get out..” I then tried to tell him what I hadn’t finished at work. “I don’t care, go home. I’m so sorry.”

Grabbing my stuff and trying to walk to the car. At this point things were a blur. I really don’t remember much, I know I just broke down. I remember feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. The man I always went to talk to about things, get advice. Was no longer there.

My Father, my best friend, my hero was no longer there….

I know as the day went on, I knew people were talking with me and messaging me. But I really don’t remember any of it. Everyone was telling me how sorry they are to hear the passing of my Dad or share stories.. But what can I say to them. “Thank you” seems like a cheap reply.. But sadly that’s all I could get out. I really to don’t remember talking to many of my friends/family about this.

I know after the next few days Carly and I were able to make our way down to California to help with everything and give my Dad the send off he needed. I grateful for our friends Kevin and Shaun that help Carly and I make the trip down there. With out them, I don’t think any of that would have been possible. So we made our trip down to Ventura CA. I wanted to drive down. I knew I had to drive down. I didn’t want to fly. I wanted to do one last ride down to California. Why you ask? As a kid every summer my Dad would drive up to Oregon and pick me up after the school year was done. We did this for years and years. Every time was different from the last, never knowing who you’d meet on the road or what problems would happen. There are so many great stories that happen to us while drive back and forth. I really just need to drive down and remember everything. Remember him. I wanted to share these stories & places that I talked so much with Carly.

Writing this is beyond hard for me now.. I started this on the 15th of March and it’s now the 20th. I’m just trying to push through this and open up with everything inside.

Once we were in Ventura CA. all of my childhood friends were there. Friends I haven’t seen in years and thought we would never talk again. We were together again and picked up right where we left off. It’s weird tho. In a odd way I like to think it was my Father made all this possible. He knew that there were problems in the past with us. He knew I wanted to fix things and get back together with them all. He did it. Some how he did. I just wish my Dad was here to see it, because he helped raise all of us as kids.

When it was time to do the service. We walked in and to my far right I could see him there…. I had to leave… Only for a moment.. It took me awhile to build up strength to finally look at him… It was my Dad, but it wasn’t. It was this shell of what he use to be. His light was now gone from this world and I’m having trouble trying to my way. I will miss him so much and everything he stood for. Right now I’m still having trouble making my way through life with out him being there. If I have a question about something or just need a little nugget of knowledge I would start to dial his number. Then realize that he isn’t here anymore.

At the end of the trip I find myself with boxes and boxes of family history that he had saved and put together. Not just current family, but family going back four or five generations! So I’ve made it a mission to put all this together and finish want he had started. There is some many thing I didn’t even know about my family.

I’m going to end this post here.. I’m sure I’ll write about this again at some point. But I just don’t have the energy in me at the moment. Thank you all for reading and understanding on why I had to back away from so many things lately.

~Jason Bucky Roberts

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Step By Step

A couple of days ago, we just got back from California. It wasn’t a planned trip or a joyful one… We had to go down due to the passing of my father…. I’ve been wanting to write about for awhile. But we came back with more stuff than we left with.

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As you can see my desk is covered and the row of boxes in the living room. This is a mix of my Dad’s things and my Grandpa’s. I started to go through…

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Step By Step

A couple of days ago, we just got back from California. It wasn’t a planned trip or a joyful one… We had to go down due to the passing of my father…. I’ve been wanting to write about for awhile. But we came back with more stuff than we left with.

image

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As you can see my desk is covered and the row of boxes in the living room. This is a mix of my Dad’s things and my Grandpa’s. I started to go through some of it and found so much family history. Things I didn’t know they had. It’s hard… I miss him. Find myself wanting to call my Dad and ask questions or memories/jokes that won’t happen again. So once I’m done going through everything and able to get to my desk. I plan on writing about everything and who my father was.
Step by step.

End of Things: A Death in The Family

So…. It’s a funny thing about Death. It comes with so much emotion can turn everything upside down. Also pending on the person it can cause a mess of mix emotions.
Today I was informed that my Aunt Linda had passed away this evening….. Now the last time I saw my Aunt was when I was 7 or 8 I believe and now I’m 31.. I feel bad for the family that is around her and I send my condolences. Knowing the family history, I know it’s have not been a easy road for anyone on that side of the family. Having those mixed emotions of caring about that person because they are family and having a dislike for them as a person because of the actions that have taken place…. I know these feels all so well sadly..
It’s odd tho, while my Mother( Jo Anna Chenjeri) was keeping me updated about everything with Aunt. I found myself thinking about the past and what I could remember about my Aunt Linda. In reality a lot of the memories were little clips.. I remember playing at her house in Ojai, CA. and having a box of toys. I remember playing with the dog Sparky in her back yard with both Aunt Linda and Uncle Pat watching me. Haha I remember when she sat me on her lap trying to get me to eat my food. The memory that really stands out was going over to the Ben Franklin Craft store there in town where Linda worked at the time. She would always get me the latest G.I. Joe toy.
I also remember the Thanksgivings that were shared. There was one night at dinner where Nanny(my grandma) and Linda got me to drink butter milk… Yeah that didn’t end well HAHA! Turns out I don’t care much for butter milk and found myself spitting out all over the kitchen floor. Both of them were in tears from laughing so hard. I think the reason behind writing this was to share good memories I have of her, and that it caused a smile on my face. I know I haven’t seen much of the family in years. But what memories I do have were good .. So Tami Langer, Cheryl A. Puckett, Jeremy Puckett my heart goes out to you and rest of the family.