So earlier today I stopped by my storage unit to clean things up. Also start clearing out old junk, so I’ll be able to move it later on next month.
I was doing okay till I opened a box that had a lot of my Dad’s things in it. It wasn’t so much the stuff that got to me. It was the smell… It smelled just like him. All those summers together, those random adventures we had driving from one end of California to the other. I thought I would be alright, but I found myself crying while holding his hat.. But then laughing, because within the hat was pictures of my father making goofy faces. That was my father…. Always trying to make people laugh or happy. In between this ride of emotions, found a old picture of me and him. Now if I remember correctly, this was taken in Santa Barbara California in the late 80s. Printers were becoming a big thing as well the beginnings of the digital photos.
If you look closely most of the picture is done in binary fashion. This has to be one of the coolest pictures I have of us. I thought it was lost so many years ago. But no! I found it! Cleaned it up and placed it in a nice heavy wooden frame.
I do miss you Dad. I guess I’m still trying to work through the fact your not around anymore. I keep finding myself trying to call you or message you. Specially with my youngest going into Boy Scouts. I thought you would really like that..
I just now realized I’m writing this like he would read this post.. Sorry, it happens from time to time. Grief is an odd thing.
Where to start…? For the past year or so I’ve been keeping a log of the day-to-day life of myself and my kids. I’ve also been keeping a medical log as well, mostly for my son seeing how he has the most of the problems. The reason for all the record keeping was caused by me and my ex-wife getting a divorce about a year ago…. As it stands I have the kids 90% of the time. She moved out.. I don’t know why I’m writing about this now. I think it was caused by reading everything that I wrote in the logs.
I know I made a post when everything went down on Facebook and I also stated that I wouldn’t talk about it again.. But there are so many things digging at me.. The drama, games, the lack of respect. Here is the post I made on Facebook:
I’ve been thinking a lot about this for the past month or two now. For those who knows both me and Laurel personally, know that we have been, having a great deal of trouble in our marriage.
For the past month now we both came to the point where things are just not working out anymore. We have parted ways and moved on to other things.
We are both working together to make sure the kids are happy in all this and that there is NO bad blood between us both. I know it’s never easy and also sad. But in the long run it’s for the best I think. We are just on to different levels and have different ideas for what we want out of life.
Now this is something that just didn’t happen over night. No this has been going on from Oct. 2011 to now. We’ve try to work things out. But it wasn’t till these last 2 months is where we both realized that things were just never going to be the same or get better. Again there is no bad blood, no “he said, she said.” going on. We are both living our lives and making sure that the kids are happy , health, and that they have everything they need in life. After all.. That is what is important, the kids.
It feels nice to talk about this finally. We’ve been keeping a lot of this under raps for so long, worry on what people may think. Are we going to lose friends? Lose family? Be everyone seems to be working with us to make sure everyone is happy and working together.
We both are see other people and living our lives the way we see fit. No more, no less. This is the last and only time I will ever write about this. The fact is that this is a personal matter. But all of our friends are on here and this is just an easier way to inform everyone that needs to know.”
The truth of the matter is I tried to make it work.. THREE times I’ve tried to make things work out. Whats odd is, I’ve always said if someone cheated on me I was out. Gone.. But for some reason that just eludes me to why I tried to make things work. Maybe it was for the kids? I don’t know….. As time goes on my attention is on the kids. They have become my life and I will do anything for them. I want them to be happy and health. I’m just tired of walking on egg shells so to speak.
I’m the one doing everything for them. School, meetings with teachers, Doctor appointments, helping with homework. I make sure they have clean cloths and 3 meals a day. Oh sure she takes them every so often. For the past month it’s been Tuesdays and Saturdays only for a few hours. But there have been a few times where I get a text or phone call stating that she is “tired” or not “feeling good” OR my favorite is ” can you come and get them? They won’t listen to anything I say.”
I’m sorry… But that’s not how this works. You’re the parent, the Mother… I just don’t get it really, it’s like they come off as a chore. Also what kills me is when I get texts late at night asking if I’m unhappy having the kids all the time? Followed up with a lame attempted of saying sorry for making a mess of my life.
No… I’m done being nice, I tired of the games and drama. Tired of waiting for someone’s mind to make decision and/or keep a promise. These kids are my life, the air I breath. They make me complete and happy where I am no made what. I love seeing their little faces in the morning and telling me what they had dreams about. How they slept and what they want for breakfast. I mean yeah it lonely not having another adult around to talk to. But I figured a relationship or what have you will happen in its own time. I just hope they are okay with kids HA-HA! I’ll tell you this tho… If I ever do get married again, that’s it! I want someone to talk to me about the problems when they have them. Not just sit there and do nothing. Like I said in that post:
“We are just on to different levels and have different ideas for what we want out of life.”