City kid come back

I miss the city…. Always be a city kid, miss the life and being creative. I miss the crazy people you run into. Or telling a pop culture joke and having someone get it. I’ve had my fill of redneck country bumkins….. I need to change things up and fast, I feel like I’m starting to drown. No matter how hard I kick and swim, I can’t seem to make back on top to where I was at.
It seems that nothing as gone right from day one. Broken promises, stabbed in the back, broken heart, lost love ones, losing friendships, fail relationships… Being BROKE, living from pay check to pay check. I haven’t done ANY FORM OF ART in over 3 years. My biggest fear is never changing, never coming out of this slump that I was put into.
I’m tired… I never felt this way before.. I’m always tired now a days. Don’t want to leave, don’t want to see anyone. The idea of being social makes me twitch and second guess myself. Forget dating haha!! God, now there is some second guessing going on there. I think this past year with everything that as happen to me. Has really messed things up more than I thought it did…. I know I need to change, my problem is I don’t know where to start.


Kinda feeling at a loss for words.. I’ve never seen Lilly this upset or mad, whatever you want to call it before. She is 5 years old and to see her this frustrated/crying breaks my heart. She keeps telling me she doesn’t want to go to mommy’s anymore. She doesn’t like it there. There are a list of other things she went off on……. My jaw has hit the floor.. I’ve never wanted this kinda life for them. I never thought I would have these conversations with my children. They shouldn’t have to go through this… This isn’t the life I wanted, nor the life I wanted for my kids…. I guess I had this disillusion of the 1950’s relationship/life where everything is on the same level. If there is a problem the both of you will work it out. I thought I had that… This whole thing makes me mad and heart broken. I don’t like seeing my children like this.
But tomorrow is a new day and we can take baby steps.